PT's Blog: Calling a Reluctant Muse

So, since is my place, this'll be my blog thread...

just warming it up...

anyone who knows me, knows I have a huge heart with a lot of feelings...


buckle up, it might get bumpy

Where does one begin on a blog?

Sure, I've tried in places before.... MySpace, WindowsLive, Intent, yada yada yada.... sigh...

one i stopped because someone kept spamming my posts
one I stopped because my ex used it
one I stopped because my ex's mistress uses it....

good track record isn't it? *thinking* actually no, it stinks...

All I've ever really wanted is a place to belong, a place to just be me, and all too often online there is nothing more thanmasks and illusion, lies and betrayal.... and I can't do any of that. Oh sure, I could be a bitch and be nasty with the best of them.... but I don't want that... I want to be me, whomever that is...

I don't want to be judged, I want a place that just lets everyone come to be who they are in a positive place. I want a sanctuary... so that's why I came up with the name Ravenwynd. It's the formal name of the homestead of the main characters in my book, a place that no matter where they go or what happens to them in their lives, they can always go there, back to the source of love and life, back to replenish themselves and just be.

I suppose in this day and age, it is perhaps too much to think about, to much to hope for. I've had some very nice people ask for the link to think place, this one person forum....and asked why I never told them about it.

In the scheme of things, does a place like this matter? Does it matter when there is so much drama, so much agitation, so much rivalry and open disdain for other places.....??

They are really good people. Even though the forum they have is known for its no holds barred approach, they have 2 of the biggest hearts I've known, but don't let that get out eh? Might hurt the tough guy reps, and we wouldn't want that to happen lol....confused and dealing with so much, each on their own levels and respects.... but very similar in their searches for who and what they are and should be, the yearning inside that haven't been quenched....

Some would say that it's a good thing to always have that unquenchable desire to roam and learn. It is, but not to the point of disdain, uncomfortable need to leave and figure out what was lost in the plan that was so carefully crafted....

*thinking*

Well, that's a mouthful.... isn't it?


Sometimes... it's just not a good thing to be me....I feel too much and have lost the ability to trust and interact.....

Do I or don't I.....

Will have to think on it....and let myself know on here LOL....


meh.

The Day the Scars Broke Open and the World Spilled Out....

The tides no longer turned, the seas grew to the pitchest of black...

the sun stopped turning and the moon stopped in its path...

and Love walked onto the shores to embrace all that was there to greet her...

Pestilence, Rage, Futility, and Pain

Hate,Envy, Jealousy, and Shame

All cast off by others for better wares....

Love picked each up and held them close, letting each one enter her heart.

One by one they crossed the threshold, entering her warm patient glow

taking refuge in the unceasing place within

and she cried for every one without hesitation
she cried for every one without blame

and she cried until no more glistening streams would flow

allowing each of them a place within, shielding them all with her own.

Time flowed past and the seas flowed again,
the Sun was in its Heavens, the Moon back in its tread...

and no one took heed of the small still form lying on the withered ground

barely breathing, barely seeing
knowing nothing more for all time it seemed

Slipping into the abyss like a discarded toy

fading into the world without end.

The last entry was very hard for me....

First thing I've free handed in 7 years....I decided to let it stay because a friend of mine, Ouro... said she liked it...and that meant the world to me...

I've not had that kind of support much in my life...the decisions I've made have led me down so many roads that I never should have gone down...perhaps I would be ok now...

yes, of course I know the adages... well you learn no matter what, lessons in everything, have no regret....

of course I know that... and I've told myself that over and over and over and you know what.... it's not working...

I stopped writing because someone I loved told me that his was better since he was the writer...the poet...
I stopped talking to people because he hated that I could talk to anyone....
I stopped being who I thought I was... because he said the things I could do were wrong... and useless....

I got away, and then found out all the lies...the betrayals....the fact that I was being used. The last time I confronted him... I was the stalker in his eyes, I was the one needing mental help... all because I dared look into him and speak the truth...

There are many things I may do... lying is not one of them...

So, here I sit still recovering in some respects...looking back with all the hindsight that I can stand to see....and even now I wonder what was so wrong with me.... that I wasn't good enough to be loved by someone else....

Have any idea what it's like to love, but never be loved in this place?

I do, and I freely admit that it was all my doing... or my undoing...

More than you wanted to know?

sure....

but as one of my characters says... 'I'm nothing more than what my heart tells me that I am. It's all that I am, all that I ever was, and all I could ever hope to be. It's as big as the Sun.'

and with that being said....

night.

Time to let a few more tears out....and leave all of you alone....

well me, that is lol....

The comfort place

In time before birth we are in the comfort place
Surrounded by the angels and light
knowing nothing of time, nothing of the race
Only seeking that which always felt right.

The time comes for us to merge
our bodies and souls become one
dancing on the precipice verge
shivering and immediately alone

Shocked into the reality of the illusion
Crying for the loss of the comfort place
sucked into Mankind's delusion
dragged into the primate's race



meh I'll call this one incomplete... it isn't flowing...
but I'll leave it just to show how the thoughts can just stop...

maybe it will let me continue... find the right words, change this or that..

or maybe it will just sit.

LOL I crack myself up...

And the meek shall inherit what??

meek (mēk)

adjective

1.patient and mild; not inclined to anger or resentment
2.too submissive; easily imposed on; spineless; spiritless
3.Obsolete gentle or kind

This is such a strange place. It's a place I have been trying to pin down for as long as I have been here. 'The meek shall inherit the Earth,' as is said in the Beatitudes....but do you see the common definitions above. They are, for the most part, the ones that every associates with someone being weak. Note that the 3rd one is listed as obsolete.

Obsolete.... as in long dead, no longer used....

It makes me wonder who is making up the defnintions in this world and WTF they are thinking. Did you know that the word meek in Aramaic/Greek does not mean weak??

Nor does it ever imply that one avoids conflict out of fear....

The word in that passage that so firmly ascribes the Earth as being inherited by the meek... is 'praus.' The word is used in such instances of gentle(medicine), broken (as a horse is broken), or evena genlt or calming voice in the face of anger or other upsetting emotion....

In that respect, the meek are those that have tamed their strength, It is a power under control.

Those who hold themselves in a place where they have a high standard for themselves, often feeling removed or outside of where others are.

I consider myself to be a meek person. I am quiet and reserved and observe at all times, especially on the fora. I do not seek out attention nor do I everblow my own horn or seek recompense for the things I am able to do. I will not let someone run all over me anymore. I will remove myself from a place before I will ever allow someone to goad me further outside of who I am.


and it frustrates the hell out of me.


Why be this way in a world and with people who want nothing of it? Why be meek in times where only those who grandstand and are the loudest and most attention grabbing have everything, lay everything out in the open for no one to wonder.

Does anyone ever think that those who are just content to sit and watch have just as much to offer if given the time?

*thinking*

Am I to change myself to fit in and be one of the ones that has everyone seeing them?
Am I to go against everything I am and feel and hope in an effort to be like the others?

*sigh*

I just don't even care anymore....If I'm alone on my opinions...so be it. I can just stay here and write to myself all day and not bother a single soul.

That's the way the majority of my life has been, save for those who choose to come close to find out something about me....

and as I find myself pulling further and further away from online time...the only real interaction with people I have allowed myself to have anymore...

I wonder what it is inside me that won't let me be like the others....I wonder what it would be like to be one of the beautiful ones for a while, just to see what it's like.....

see what it's like to have the innate freedom to allow intmacy online...see what it's like for people to wonder who I am....


but it won't happen... that's not ever been my lot in life....

and no it doesn't mean I'm a nun, it doesn't mean that I am not a sensual creature.... but I'll be damned if I think it's right to do that to strangers...I don't do that to friends....
some things are sacred to me....


maybe that's my problem...

maybe I'm in the wrong damn time....
maybe i was a mistake in the plans...

but I'll be damned if I'll change at this late date...so....

guess this is one meek woman who will just watch the world go by and wonder why....

even if there is no answer to be had....

and someone like me is gonna inherit anything?

I think I'll pass....

Too bad you had to be with an insecure ass... You actually write very, very well.

DestroyerOfLies wrote:

Too bad you had to be with an insecure ass... You actually write very, very well.

I appreciate that, DOL... you have no idea how much...

I'm coming back.. albeit slowly...but I'm a fighter and more stubborn than a fencepost....

I'm just happy what I write makes sense...

He was an insecure ass... on more than one level...still is... lol

but... I'm going to push forward and find me again, but if you happen to find her out there floating about... let me know ok? lol

04/28/10

New entry.... because I just am at my limit....

I would wish that someone would tell me why good hearted people all too often get shafted over by evil hearted people?

You go through life, doing nothing... not causing problems, not being an issue, just wanting to be yourself and all of a sudden you're staring reality in the face...

Ya know, I stood my ground. I didn't put anyone's info online for everyone to see in a public forum. I said no lies, I'm not the one who wants to be a polygamist with my 'soul mate' as well as my husband.....yet it's my fault suddenly... so... I turned in the whole conversation to the site's webmaster.

I couldn't make up crap like this if I were a movie writer....

what in the hell does a godo person have to do to not be treated like this? Why is it so many stand at the side of the most hideeous, vile talking minions while stomping on the essence of someone who does nothing but try to be themselves?

Where is it in the blueprints that this is flipping ok??

Where? I just want to know....just someone tell me ok?

I'm so tired of this....so very very tired.....

It just makes me want to run and hide...from everyone... not just relationships...every once in a while I'll get a glimpse of what I remember as being happy and secure...

yes, you read that.. once in a while....then all the storm clouds move back in and remind me....

remind me of all I once was...
remind me of what I thought was true...
remind me of how fragile trust is..... and how so very few people deserve it...

this has turned me into something very close to vindictive... I so desperaltely want to lash out and destroy....but it's not me... and I don't like this......

as soon as I give in to that, I'm no longer me.... whoever in the hell that is at the moment....

Now don't get me wrong....please don't....

I'm not in love with my ex, I would never wish to be back with anyone that treated me as poorly as that person did....ever...

I just want to understand why....find some semblance of why in the hell I let someone in...

am I that stupid?

Where is that mask that I put on for my patients so they see only the smiling person that they love to work with.....I really need that mask now....

and I Know.....
most of you could care less.. or would say that I'm a drama queen... or that there are other things to worry about.....and no man is worth crying over...

but this is the only place I have...
and it's how I feel....

and I'm not crying over him....


I'm crying for me....

and if my arms were long enough....I would hold myself until the waves pass and the last bit of pain leaves... just hold myself until I feel real again...


*wandering off.... maybe I'll sleep a little bit...*

who am I kidding.....

no, I won't... haven't in 3 days... why now...

04/30/10: A mish mash of thoughts...

You know, there are times that days flow into weeks and months and I have no idea where time goes...one flowing blissfully into another until I have sense of either self or time, then a rock skims across the surface and the ripples shake me out of the numbness to take a look around...

Time, that elusive bird with gossamer wings that serves no one but itself...the ever undulating tempest named by man but never cornered save for those that write in prose, the same ones that can weave and spin the emotions and mind into whatever escape pleases them....the escape they only wish others to share...

Where would we be without time? Where would we be without the manifestation of a man-made label for the continuance of progessive illusion guised as reality?

Would we be free? Would we be lost? Would we throw off the fetters that bind us into a 24 hour period here, a 365 day year there?

Curiouser and curiouser, Alice...

glimpsing into my mind is quite the odd experience, isn't it?....

*thinking*

I miss my book.....maybe it's time to blow off the dust and introduce people to Circia, Paul and Jonas...


maybe...

or is that ego driven?

05/02/10 Something has got to give....

I can't keep doing this, the inordinate amount of scarring that I have is doing nothing but hurting me..Doesn't make a damn bit of difference to the ones that have hurt me, it doesn't phase them at all... I know that

I really do...

then why this self persecution?
Why the need to constantly and actively remind myself of the mistakes and disillusionment...and I mean actively... lurk in the background and see the aftermath of what used to be me acting only to strengthen those that do only harm to others?

Why must I click on the websites I know they use and flaunt themselves and thier ugliness at my expense? It's not like they or anyone else on GLP or that other place give a flying shut about how I feel or how this has truly decmated the trust that I had for everyone....

Is it to remind myself that it can never ever happen again?


I'm reminded oft he line in the Lady Antebellum song: "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.'

to be honest, I don't want to feel anything anymore... it just isn't worth it....

I hold nothing against anyone that has had the greatest blessing fo having found that one person that means more to them than anything in the world....
I hold nothing against those who have been fortunate to have opened their hearts for someone and have that trust be returned and the love they were seeking be returned twlevefold....


I grew up wanting that you know....

Be careful what you wish for....eh?

I'm ok with being alone, I'm used to it.... a loner by nature....

Guess I know now why....

I can't do this anymore....

I just want to be numb and forget that this old thing called a heart exists....

But what I want and what I get are so often 2 very different things....

so I'll just sit in my shadows and be happy for everyone else...

that's what I'm supposed to do, right?

I was going to post something about being scarred..... walking wounded...

I decided not to.... instead I'm just going to share one of my favorite stories that has always touched me....

enjoy:

Most Beautiful Heart


http://www.indianchild.com/most_beautiful_heart.htm

I wish everyone would see that beauty lies within the spirit...
and I wish everyone would just see that sometimes... in the greatest of wounds there still beats a heart....

that way, we truly would see each other in the light we were created....


night...

05/05/10: I really have not a clue...

...as far as a topic for this entry

*thinking*

the asterisks made me smile....why? They remind me of a time when I used to type like I think.....I would actually pause on my blog and leave the screen and go off and think for a while....

Perhaps it's poetic license, perhaps it's a lasting memorial to the Southern heritage that's inside me... just to let everyone know what I'm doing or if I leave the screen..... so as not to be rude? LOL that makes me laugh really....

I am suffocating.

That, in a nutshell, is how I'm feeling....

I feel trapped in a cage looking out at the world I want to be in. I feel like the bastard child in an imaginary world I've mentioned before... trapped behind these self-imposed steel bars reaching my arms through to their full extent, grasping for that damnable fruit that's just out of reach....a fingertip touching here, a gentle scratch on the surface there, but never quite getting the flesh in my hand...

I feel bogged down by my memories.... the albatross that is what my last relationship was... for all the abuse, lies, betrayal and loss....

I call it loss but to be honest, let's not kid ourselves, shall we, PT????

You know all too well that all of it was a lie purportated by someone that you saw a potential in....You refused to see the actuality of the person and accept that as what he was... right where he was and where he stayed for 7 years that you were with him....not trying to move but dragging you down into the tar pit that was his blackness.....


Potential....We think you got great potential...

Potential is nothing in the face of absolute apathy and regret.

Potential is NOTHING without the heart and soul to be who you should be...

Potential is nothing when you stay in the same rut and the same shithole chat rooms, proving time and time again that a screen full of words was far more important than trying to make a real relationship work.


Yes, that's right folks....

My ex refused to walk away from his online friends (all women or married women who stroked his ego... let's get THAT one straight... RIGHT now...) ...

he refused to take a break from that and focus on us, the reality of what was... never said to leave it forever, not talk to his little harem forever.... just take the time and be in the relationship with me....

A relationship is 2 people giving 100% all the time.... A relationship is NOT 2 people and a fucking flatbed of 100 women stroking your fiance's ego at every turn....

*Facepalm* yes, I really just did do that to myself....

Fine.

I'm so flipping sick and tired of running arounf the memory of your potential, wondering what I did wrong....

I did nothing wrong... I sheltered you, I bought your tickets, I fed you, I gave you a place to stay, I shared my bed with you, I paid for everything.... I gave you my heart, you asshole....

and that is a gift that was more precious than anything else in this world....

I gave you me.

*pushing back on the chair to stand*

and god damn it.... I deserve SO much more than you ever could have given me you child of eternal stagnation....

I deserved a man.
I deserved to be loved.
I deserved to be respected.
I deserved all that you never gave.

and I deserve that now.


so fuck you.... and your whore.

since she's married and macking on you... let's see how far it goes....

ya know what?

let's not....

I'm sick of you, sick of the darkness you pushed into my light.

It's my light.
It's my energy.
It's my heart.
You can't have it any more.


Fuck you.

September 16, 2009.....

Best laid plans....great thing in theory....gang aft agley.... is the more apt truth to it.

gang aft agley.... translates to goes oft awry...

which is how my life seems to be more and more from one moment to another.....

no home, until recently no job....and yes, DOL.... when I can talk about it and not cry.... I'll email you in detail about what's been going on....

can't let those tears out, you know... can't be human...elsewise you may be gifted the title of drama queen or not having grown a pair...lol....

yep.

Hello Ravenwynd....

I'm back home for good this time.
Probably with some changes because of the articles I've posted.... although since there are many cobwebs here...don't think I have to worry about being stripped lol

so I'll just start from stratch....

maybe.